Memories of August 28, 2007

One month ago today my sweet son Collin was born. I remember him today as I go through life's normal activities, but it doesn't seem normal to me anymore. I remember waking up in my hospital room. I felt awake, and I was surprised since I had to take a sleeping pill to get to sleep the night before. Dr. McCarville came in to do an ultrasound and we found that the fluid had not reformed around Collin. Dr. said that I could induce labor, or wait it out. If I wanted to wait until I naturally went into labor, then I would have to wait at the hospital in Des Moines. I did not want to leave Marshalltown! I had a peace in my heart that everything was supposed to end at home in Marshalltown. Andy and I spent a long time together talking and crying. At 10:00 we met with Pastor Hirsch, Nancy Pins, and Andrea Terrones. We talked to them about what we should do. Should we induce labor, or go to Des Moines? We decided to wait it out and go to Des Moines, even though in my heart I wanted to stay in Marshalltown. After they left, I lay in my bed and contemplated what would happen next, but I noticed that I was starting to get more and more uncomfortable. Nancy informed me that my pain was a significant change, and she told Dr. McCarville. The Dr. checked and I was dialated and starting labor. We decided to induce labor and speed the process along. Time went really fast after that. I don't remember a lot about who I talked with or who I cried with. But I know there were people who came to pray and to wait with me. I remember hearing that Deborah was coming to see me, I was so thankful, I cried. The pain got worse and Dr. Dowell came in to check on me. He told my nurse, Kristi, that I was ready to deliver. The labor went quickly and I do not remember a lot of pain. Collin was born at 3:20pm. Andy and I got to hold him and look at him. We shared him with our parents and family who were there, along with some special friends. We loved looking at his mouth, ears, hands, feet, nose, shoulders...everything. We have great memories of admiring Collin. We took pictures to help us remember him wrapped in his green blanket. I had no idea how I would ever give him up to the nurse. I dreaded having to let him go. To this day, I don't know how I did. People say I was strong. I know it was God-supplied strength. Right now I feel weaker. So many memories of that day flood my mind now. I hope I never forget.

1 month ago today....

One month ago today I sat at work, 5 months pregnant. It was a Monday and I was feeling tired. We had gotten home that morning around 1:30 (I think) from a long drive home from the Chicago area. I remember being at work and seeing people that I knew. Linda Holvick gave me a hug and congratulated me on my pregnancy. It was the first time that we had seen each other in a long time. I remember sitting all day beside a lady who had a bad cold, and I prayed that I would not get sick because I didn't want to harm the baby. I remember saying to her at the end of the day..."I think we're all ready to go home tonight." I was tired. I went home like normal and Andy and I decided to have pizza and watch a movie. Our Monday nights used to be pretty much useless since we were so tired after presenting on Sunday and driving all night on Sunday. Then my water broke. I did not know what was going on. I was so scared. I called my sister...not home. I called my mom...not home. I finally decided to call 911, and without them confirming my fears, they told me that someone would be out to my house to pick me up shortly. I rode to the hospital with Andy in the back of an ambulance. Mom followed us in her car. I was so scared, yet I felt confident in God's ability to take care of me. We sat and waited for the nurse to take us to a room. We cried. A nurse finally came and we followed her to a procedure room. They still did not yet confirm my fear that my water broke, although Andy and I were both pretty sure that is what happened. After doing some labwork, it was still not conclusive to the Dr. whether my water had broken or not, so they transferred me to the OB department. A new Dr. came in and we did an ultrasound. Our worst fears were confirmed...my water broke and short of a miracle I would go into labor sometime within the next 48 hours. I remember having a soothing peace that if it was the Lord's will, that He would cause the fluid to reform and I would carry the baby to full term. The Dr. said that sometimes happens. We prayed. We wanted everyone to pray. I felt the most calm when others were praying with me. It all happened so fast. I went into the hospital around 7:30, and before I knew it, it was 10:30 and they were asking me if I wanted help getting to sleep. We prepared ourselves to spend the night there; Mom stayed with us. I laid in bed thinking about everything, not able to slow down my thoughts or my heart. I prayed that if it was the Lord's will that He would reform the fluid and that I would not go into labor. August 27, 2007. A day that ended much differently than it started. I will remember this day forever.

Questions.

Why me?

What do I have to learn?

What do You seek to teach me?

How will this change me?

Will I be okay?

How will I go on?

What's the next step?

I can't go back to normal.